The Empty Shell

There she goes,
That girl that’s so carefree.
She laughs, she smiles
No worries that we can see.

There she goes,
That girl knows no facade.
She acts at will,
She’s never sad.

Look, there she goes
Her smile unfading
Her light still blazing
She’s always winning.

There she is,
with all her brightness
She knows no darkness
Lord knows if she’s got secrets.

That’s all she is,
For it’s what we choose to see.
But every night she goes home
Empty as an empty shell can be.

 

MR @ 2016

Alone.

There are days I just wish to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone to battle with my own indecision. Just me.

Today is one of those days. I just want solitude. The loud wheels of the cars turning, as they pass outside my window. The fast ticking sound of they keys of my keyboard as I am typing. The faint cries of the baby of our neighbor as she is crying. An unlikely company, but a company of a forced solitude, somehow.

At times, I beg for a distraction – a company. Someone I can talk to aimlessly about anything. Today isn’t one of those days. Right now is not one of those hours. Right now, at lost with my thoughts, I am reliving a dream I’ve had last night. Stuck in a large bamboo-made gazebo afloat in the midst of the vast ocean with just HFM as a company. She jumped with joy, confident that she has her life vest on, and swam around the gazebo pretending to be a shark rounding its prey. I dreamed about the sound of the waves of the sea, the forceful wind brushing across the flesh of my face, the heat of the sun radiating against my skin. Only the sound of nature and a sound of laughter that obviously came from the person I love the most.

It’s dreams like that, that we hope not to wake up right away. Spend more time in the depths of our sleep hoping it would last a lot longer. I am dreaming away today, as if I were asleep in my time of wake.

 

MR @2016

Just Keep Going.

There are a lot of things in life that we do not understand. Things that happen that weren’t supposed to, but here we stand looking at them face front and hoping against hope that it was just a dream. We close our eyes for a while and wish it to go away, but it doesn’t. It stays there, it stays still.

We think hard where we went wrong, why it had turned out the way it did. Each night, we endlessly roll around the bed wishing, praying, that we have a way to turn back the time to prevent ourselves from doing what we did. Change the past so we don’t get caught up in a situation where there are only two narrow paths to walk on… The one where we right the wrong (yet in turn lose more than what we bargained) and the other where we give up and just give in to insanity.

There we stand in the crossroads, gritting our teeth with frustration, on our knees as we look up and ask “God, what do I do?” Inside of us, we realize that we deserve it… We deserved every bit of the suffering because we chose to do what we had done. Despite the regrets, there is no way to erase or change what has happened. As they say, the damage has been done and there is no way around it… But we can always choose to be better than who we are, to fix what has been broken, to come out at the end of that very long, dark, and winding tunnel okay… That’s all it takes – be okay. Survive it, then learn from it. Resist giving up. Fight it.

There will always be hurdles along the way, but continue to stand up… Continue to fight. JUST. KEEP. GOING.

You can surpass it.

 
MR @ 2016 [To: JGV]

The Introvert In Me.

Everything in my head in one wheel.

“I’m daydreaming and didn’t hear a single word you said”
– This is generally me. Sometimes, my mind just wanders off  in the middle of a conversation and in the attempt not to sound too distracted (so as not to offend the other party) I agree on something that I don’t really want to agree to.

“I think you’re interesting so I’d rather listen”
– So true. I am not the type who wants to be talking about myself, especially the first time we’d meet. I’d rather hear about you, what you want, if you like dogs or cats, or if (like me) you want to hang out in quiet places instead of some bar.

“I finally came up with a perfect reply but you’re now talking about something else”
– Sometimes, I don’t respond not because of the lack of opinion but because of the need to properly put my words together so it could make more sense. Thing is, I don’t respond for the sake of responding. I respond with the intent to stimulate the conversation so bear with me please. Although, most of the time, you’d go ahead with your next topic.

“The words, I can’t do right when out loud they are spoken”
– I am a person who is better in writing than anything else. My speech is free-flowing when written but when I have to speak them out, I sometimes choke and end up embarrassing myself.

“I didn’t want to be here in the first place”
– As much as I can muster, I never…. Let me emphasize on that certain word “NEVER” put myself in a situation where I am in a crowded room with people I barely know. I am not good with socializing with people. I’d end up in one corner staring at my phone, or in the absence of a phone, talking to a plant.

“My response would probably be over your head, so what’s the point”
Ditto. 😉

Dissecting MR @ 2016

Lucifer

It’s been weeks since I saw the last episode of “Lucifer” online. Somehow, it had just caught up on me last night.

I was in hell. Well, not really. It must have been purgatory. It was dark and cold. I stepped back a little and immediately I found myself pushed flat on the wall. I couldn’t move despite my resistance, then I could feel calloused hands slowly gripping my un-moving wrists. I closed my eyes and the thumping of my heart in my chest was so strong, it somehow feels like a gorilla was trapped inside me wanting to escape and banging on all four corners of my chest wall (If it does have four corners). Cold wind brushed across my face. I continued to close my eyes but I can feel a presence right in front of me. I opened my eyes a little to just take a peek of this… presence, this thing, instead, I saw what appears to be an apparition of some sort. It was gas-like in form and it’s floating. It floated right abruptly and stopped so close to my face that I had to move my head back. It had a pale face with empty eye sockets which looks more of a skull than a face but it has white flesh with greedy black lips and deformed nose.

It asked me a question: “Why shall I spare you?” It sounded so menacing in my ears like my eardrums were a bomb threatening to explode if it ever utter one more word.

I could feel its breath in my face like I was walking along an empty road on a cold winter’s night. I only thought “From what?” yet I couldn’t speak. Although, as if it has been reading my mind it immediately added, “From eternity…”

Without thinking, I nodded my head. The apparition showed rotten set of bloody teeth with its wicked grin as it held up a scythe from nowhere and slashed me with it in beatific haste.

Then I woke up. My heart was beating madly inside my chest, still. Why did I ever agree to be spared from eternity?

MR @ 2016

The Rebound

“Maybe everything we had was a lie. Maybe I was wrong about you. And maybe, I didn’t love you at all.” says she.
I did love you. I was so sure about my feelings for you. I was so happy about us but I think the only lie was the thought that you love me and my love for you was enough for you to stay.
My love was never enough for you to forget what you had with someone else. How can someone like me compete with someone like her? I was just a random pick in your garden when your favorite flower dies. I was the spare pen when you lost your most treasured pen. I was just the plain paper that you could write on about anything useless and go for the scented paper and write about something sweet and passionate. She was special and I’m ordinary.
A battle wasn’t necessary because the loser was already called.
MR @ 2016

You Love Me

I am gonna tell you, my love,
This is why I love you.
When the noise of the city drowned mine voice,
You heard me loud and clear.
When the sparkle of the people around us cast a shadow over me,
You saw me shine bright.
When the emptiness of my soul threaten to break me,
You held my hand.
And when I decided to be myself,
You loved me.
MR @ 2016