I’ve never felt anything like this before. Like every part of me is aching, that I am broken. God knows I’ve tried to do everything I can to ease the pain, to forget. Each bottle of whiskey and shot of tequila gave me the illusion of forgetting, but the next day I wake up with a mad headache and still with a broken heart.
Today was no different. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning and I haven’t had any sleep yet. I’ve laid in bed and counted no less than a thousand twists and turns but sleep never came. I’ve read a lot of books hoping that it could knock me right out of consciousness, but anywhere in between I think about the past, about my mistakes, about all that hurt.
I decided to get up from bed and grab a jacket in the closet. I felt the need to get away, clear my head. I put on my sneakers and had my hood up. I went out and immediately felt the cold wind brush against my cheeks. It was a cold evening but I guess I liked that better. The cold makes people numb, maybe it could help put out the burning wretchedness in my heart.
I put my hands in my pocket while I aimlessly walked through the night. I thought that it might be true what they say, that you can never truly appreciate happiness if sadness didn’t exist. Maybe I should just also learn to be happy that I am capable of feeling this surging pain inside me. A lot is going on in my head right now and I don’t think the mere bleakness of the night can put it out. So this is how it feels to lose something you never knew you had until you’ve lost it. It’s been a few months and I haven’t really cried just yet, but I have not been able to talk about it yet, too. Who was there to talk to when nobody seem to understand?
What happened to me wasn’t just a phase, it was some kind of recognition. Finally knowing what you want and ultimately discovering yourself in the process. The knowledge that the universe inside of me was far more than anything that science could ever explain. Something not everybody could understand and not a lot of people can accept.
With my head down, I felt a trickle of tear run down my cheek and thought; like that tear that could never find its way back into my eye, I may not be able to find my way back to myself too. I wiped the tear from my cheek and found myself floating along in the dark. I looked to my right and saw a bright light heading towards my direction getting closer by the second, just before I took a breath and realize what had happened, the world seemed to have collided into me. It all happened so fast.
The last thing I saw was her smile, then on that dark corner of the Earth, I slipped right in.
MR @ 2016
This is but a glimpse of the book I currently am writing. I am nowhere close to being a good writer but I like to write nonetheless. The story is very loosely based on my own. In case I lose my way and find myself unable to finish this, I can look back on my WordPress some time in the future and say “At least, I tried.” ♥