Highfalutin

Pompous, lofty, grandiose!
No, I don’t write so you’d be awed!
Pretentious-sounding words,
it’s not my thing and I’m no fraud.

I don’t use terms I don’t understand.
I might forget what they meant –
That’s something I can’t stand.
I’m a lover of context not aesthetics.

Obstreperous, Picaresque, Equipoise
To me, they’re nothing but noise.
Faced with a word I first need to Google,
I simply can’t care about high-highfalutin words.

MR@2016

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Timeline Part 1.

October 2011.

The first time I met you,
I shook your hand as you smiled.
It was embarrassing how awfully obvious I was
when my jaw dropped by a mile.

December 2011.

A little flirtation here and there –
it never hurt nobody,
til I got the first form of rejection from you
When you din’t turn up on that Christmas Party.

January 2012.

I was hungry and I asked you out,
but Earl messed up the timings purposely.
So I hugged you before I went out for lunch,
said “I love you” accidentally.

I froze up after I uttered words
I normally wouldn’t say carelessly.
But it’s out there for the universe to hear,
so I just savored that momentary insanity.

February 2012.

I went with my sister to Palawan,
and you went with friends to Surigao.
The exchanges of messages were still unstoppable,
I believed we were moving on to the next level.

March 2012.

I finally had the courage to ask you out,
“Not on a date” I pretended, “just two people hanging out.”
We held hands and I just knew it,
I fell in love with you, and it was the start of magic.

MR to HFM @ 2017

Locked Down.

Dive into my subconscious
where everything’s a mess yet in order.
Suppressed emotions locked at best,
unknowing when they’ll turn into anger.
Sometimes I lie awake,
hoping sleep won’t follow.
For I could never take
another minute into the dark hallows.
Gripping, curling,
the horror that I see
when these eyes are closed,
I sometimes couldn’t breathe.
Lucky, blessed,
I will always appreciate
the day you came into my life
that night you slept by my side.
Sometimes I still wake up screaming
my hands around my throat,
cold sweat dripping trying to control
my heart racing,, jumping out of my chest.
But then I feel your hands reach out –
the only cure to my anxiety.
Your presence is the only thing
that offers true tranquility.
Diving into my subconscious now
is still a mess yet in order.
Where all suppressed emotions are locked down,
but I fear not for you have been
and always will be around.

MR

Candid Thoughts.

The first time I met you
I said to myself,
“Hey, can I kiss you?”
In reality I had to say
“Welcome to the team.”
When I first shook your hand
You said you wouldn’t want to
Coz your hands were damp
I said, “It doesn’t matter”
when in my head I meant
“Can I keep you forever?”
When you first kissed me
in the cheek I had to tell you
“Damn, in public?”
But by the thugs in my heart
kept on saying
“Wait til I have you alone”
Each time I’m with you
I say things that I
only partially meant
But inside my head
are candid thoughts
that’re driving me insane.

MR @ 2016

So You’ve Loved.

As she’s all you think of,
As she makes you smile,
Then you think you’ve loved.

When you hear her name,
and your heart skips a beat,
So, you think you’ve loved.

When you find her gorgeous,
you find yourself staring in awe,
then you think you’ve loved.

But when your minds busy,
it’s too long a day to even smile,
do you remember your love?

When no one mentions her name,
and your heart’s in solitude,
do you remember your love?

When she’s turned old and gray,
and you no longer find her gorgeous,
do you remember your love?

Don’t love her
if you only need her.
Don’t love her
if you’re in need of a cheer.

Love her because you do.
Love her, not
because you think so too.

MR @ 2016

The Biggest Change: Epilogue

I’ve never felt anything like this before. Like every part of me is aching, that I am broken. God knows I’ve tried to do everything I can to ease the pain, to forget. Each bottle of whiskey and shot of tequila gave me the illusion of forgetting, but the next day I wake up with a mad headache and still with a broken heart.

Today was no different. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning and I haven’t had any sleep yet. I’ve laid in bed and counted no less than a thousand twists and turns but sleep never came. I’ve read a lot of books hoping that it could knock me right out of consciousness, but anywhere in between I think about the past, about my mistakes, about all that hurt.

I decided to get up from bed and grab a jacket in the closet. I felt the need to get away, clear my head. I put on my sneakers and had my hood up. I went out and immediately felt the cold wind brush against my cheeks. It was a cold evening but I guess I liked that better. The cold makes people numb, maybe it could help put out the burning wretchedness in my heart.

I put my hands in my pocket while I aimlessly walked through the night. I thought that it might be true what they say, that you can never truly appreciate happiness if sadness didn’t exist. Maybe I should just also learn to be happy that I am capable of feeling this surging pain inside me. A lot is going on in my head right now and I don’t think the mere bleakness of the night can put it out. So this is how it feels to lose something you never knew you had until you’ve lost it. It’s been a few months and I haven’t really cried just yet, but I have not been able to talk about it yet, too. Who was there to talk to when nobody seem to understand?

What happened to me wasn’t just a phase, it was some kind of recognition. Finally knowing what you want and ultimately discovering yourself in the process. The knowledge that the universe inside of me was far more than anything that science could ever explain. Something not everybody could understand and not a lot of people can accept.

With my head down, I felt a trickle of tear run down my cheek and thought; like that tear that could never find its way back into my eye, I may not be able to find my way back to myself too. I wiped the tear from my cheek and found myself floating along in the dark. I looked to my right and saw a bright light heading towards my direction getting closer by the second, just before I took a breath and realize what had happened, the world seemed to have collided into me. It all happened so fast.

The last thing I saw was her smile, then on that dark corner of the Earth, I slipped right in.

MR @ 2016

This is but a glimpse of the book I currently am writing. I am nowhere close to being a good writer but I like to write nonetheless. The story is very loosely based on my own. In case I lose my way and find myself unable to finish this, I can look back on my WordPress some time in the future and say “At least, I tried.” ♥